I'm a month and a half into my sophomore year of college. When people ask me how I'm doing, how school's going, etc., my answer is, "It's good, really different, but good." I don't think I've ever been able to so accurately sum up something that succinctly, but that short phrase totally describes where I'm at right now.
About a month ago my answer would have just been, "Well, it's just really different, and that's been pretty hard." Praise the Lord for His grace in making me see that it is good too.
I hate change. I really hate it. But it's necessary, and it can be good, even though in the moment I typically don't see it as such.
So what changed? Ha. What a question. I feel like everything. I'll admit that is somewhat dramatic but, hey I'm only a teenager for a few more months. I gotta get the drama in while I can.
I had lunch with the Kylie McDonald yesterday. She was gracious to bring me lunch (apparently my mom is worried about my eating habits because I inherited my dad's frugality to the fullest). She asked me if I'd hit the "Sophomore Slump" yet. After requesting a definition, she explained that it's where you get back to school, and it seems like your friends have disappeared and you don't know where everyone is or what they're doing. Your friend group is totally different. Or just non-existent.
It was like she'd been watching my life/thoughts/emotions for the past month.
I was so excited to come back to Clemson, back to the amazing community that I had here. I was confident that the transition from Student Life back to school wouldn't be that hard because I've been blessed with awesome friends.
Well, guess what? I don't know where those friends went.
Again, that's slightly dramatic, but it's not even close to how it used to be. The dynamics are different. It seems like no one even wants to do stuff together. Everything in me wants to manipulate, persuade, control, and make things the way they used to be. But I can't do that. It's not my role. It's not God glorifying. It's annoying to others. And so, yet again, the Lord is helping me, showing me, and teaching me to die.
Die to self.
What a struggle that is.
I had a pretty defining weekend about a month ago now. I was definitely in a slump. All I wanted was to go to the lake, relax, and play some volleyball and spike ball with my friends. Some didn't respond, and then those who said they could come seemed to change plans.
I couldn't handle it. I thought I was going to explode. So I took my kayak (oh yeah, I bought a kayak. Yay for my first adult purchase!), strapped it on my car, and drove to the lake to go kayaking by myself.
While kayaking, I just cried out to the Lord. I asked Him to change my heart, to reveal what sin was making me feel this discontentment. I tried to preach the Gospel to myself, remind myself of the goodness of the Lord, and couldn't understand why those things weren't overwhelming the sadness in my heart. I knew that there were deeper sin issues that were making me feel this way.
The Lord made it loud and clear, like a slap in the face.
I had made an idol out of my friend group, out of the comfort I found with them, the belonging I felt, the certainty of having people to hang out with. I made an idol of it to the point that when it was stripped away, I somewhat fell apart.
Oh, what a wretched girl I am.
Talk about good things becoming god things.
I realized that it doesn't matter if I don't have something to do Friday night. Sure, it's not fun to sit in and do homework, but that doesn't define me. That's not my source of joy. And, beyond that, I can do new things with new people and still have a great time! It's all about attitude. I can't control what others want to do, I can't really even control what I end up doing, but I can control my attitude and outlook, and that will make all the difference.
The planner/control freak in me has to submit over and over again to the truth found in
Proverbs 16:9:
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Oh how gracious God is to reveal sin to me, and to give me strength and power to fight against it.
There's another thing I'm learning, and then I'll get to a picture summary of my semester thus far.
I came back from the summer saying that the Lord taught me about fear of man versus fearing God. A friend told me that they didn't think I had learned that fully. If anything, they said it seems like I've gone the opposite direction, saying and acting in ways that made it seem like fear of man was my motivation.
There's more to that conversation that isn't relevant, but the point is that they are right about one thing: I have not learned that lesson fully. While it's something the Lord showed me in a big way, and my heart has made advances in that area, I have failed so many times.
This Christian walk is not a check list. The Lord reveals sin, and then helps me kill that sin, but this isn't a process that happens in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Especially sin that is deeply rooted in my heart, a heart that is prone to wander.
It's a cycle of seeing truth, pursuing holiness, failing, sinning, coming to the foot of the cross, looking to and accepting grace, dying to myself, and pursuing holiness again, hoping that every time the cycle runs it's course I become more and more conformed to the image of Jesus Christ.
My learning of lessons will never stop until I'm in the presence of God Almighty. Until then I will continue to sin, but hopefully as time goes on, by God's grace, I will sin less. Praise the Lord for His Word and His church, for people that point me back to truth and keep me accountable.
So, world wide web, there's the nastiness of my heart. But you know something? I also realized this summer that when I say I am a Christian, I automatically let the world know that I am a wretched sinner.
Christians are people who claim that Jesus is their Savior, and perfect people don't need saviors.
These are the things I'm learning during the nitty gritty of day to day life. Lessons that I'm sure I will learn over and over again.
But, speaking of day to day life...
I've taken steps closer towards being an adult.
It's scary and not very fun.
I have to pay bills and rent and "cook" for myself. I've made a lot of omelets...
And I live in an apartment with these lovely ladies!
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| Olivia, me, Ally, and Scout |
I'm leading a small group for freshmen girls through Crosspoint, my church here.
It's. Awesome.
I realized this summer how fulfilling one-on-one discipleship relationships are for me. We have a pretty decent sized group that meets once a week in my apartment, but it's also been really fun just doing life with them.
This picture is from our first "social." We ate pazookie (thanks Student Life) and watched a movie.
Let's be honest, one of the things I was looking forward to the most about coming back to Clemson was football season.
Sadly the first game was away, so they played it on the screen in Death Valley. So we had a pseudo game back in the Valley.
Thankfully soon after we were back in Death Valley cheering on our Tigers in real life.
Oh wow how I love this time of the year.
Crosspoint also has a tailgate this year, which has been a really awesome addition to this football season. It's a great time to eat, fellowship, and throw around a pig skin.
Shout out to Miles, Logan, and Jake for providing the tailgate spot.
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| Tackle or sneak hug? |
My family came for a weekend and it was awesome. It was so incredibly good to see them.
They came when we played UNC, so my dad was a full-blooded Tiger fan that day, and I loved every minute of it.
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| Some of my CP group girls at the tailgate! |
Another awesome addition to this year is Min-Young Kim! It's beyond awesome to get to do life with one of my best friends again. I've missed her so much, and couldn't be happier she's officially a Tiger.
Some other random happenings...
Miles and Logan had an adorable baby squirrel as a pet for a short period. Sadly, Jeffrey ran away, but it was nice while it lasted.
One night we went shagging in down town Pickens. At first it wasn't what we expected, but it ended up being a fun night.
I spend Thursday mornings with Marie. The Lord has used and continues to use this amazing woman to sanctify me. My heart is full of gratitude for her and I am so thankful she's in Clemson for another year.
Matt Papa came to FCA! I'm not an avid FCA goer, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to hear one of my favorite worship leaders. If you're looking for sound, scripture-influenced, Gospel-filled music, Matt Papa is your guy.
And we also had a small Student Life reunion, which was great. After FCA, the six of us went to Waffle House and stayed there until 2 am. On a Thursday. Yay college.
Crosspoint does a lot of international ministry, and I got to go on a hike with them! It was incredible. I love hiking, and it was really great getting to know these girls and talk to them about the beautiful truths of the Gospel. Please pray that the Lord would break them down and reveal the glory of the Gospel to their hearts.
I'm not a huge concert goer, but went to a NeedtoBreathe and The Oh Hello's concert in LittleJohn with these friends. I was shamelessly more excited about seeing The Oh Hello's than NeedtoBreathe, but both were really great, and I'm glad I went, even though I 5th wheeled it all night long.
Crosspoint had a shag, which was fun. It gave my CP group a good excuse to meet for dinner beforehand and go to the dance together. I just love these girls!
Daniel has a fire pit behind his house, so the other night we did homework out there. I just wanted to share this because I'm so excited about fall starting that I can't stand it. Jeans, boots, sweaters, flannel, crunchy leaves, beautiful colors, fire, football, and warm drinks here I come!
Hopefully it won't be another month and a half before I blog again, but who knows. This life is unpredictable so I'm not making any promises.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:25-26
