I'm slow to learn these things in my sin, slow to grasp the depth of their meaning and application. So processing is good, especially in the form of writing.
1. I need to be more giving of myself. I am full of pride, and one of pride's most intimate relatives is selfishness. "Mine." A favorite word. That doesn't fly in India, and it shouldn't fly as a child of God. The nationals in India are so giving of themselves, so loving towards others, so welcoming, inviting others to share in all that is theirs. This is seen even in the way that they eat meals: family style, where everyone eats everything.
It's a harsh transition back to America in that respect, but I'm hoping to bring that part of the culture back with me, because it should be the culture of the church, no matter the country.
2. I don't know what my future will hold, and that's ok. I don't know if I'll ever return to India. I don't know if I'll spend my life behind a white picket fence in America or in a hut in the middle of Africa. What I do know is that, by God's grace, I will daily lay down this life of mine to do whatever He wants me to. I know that includes making disciples, but where that takes place is His call and His to know for now, not mine.
And I have to be ok with that.
I just have to be willing to lay down my life. I have to be willing to go and do whatever it is He wants. But until He makes that clear, I take it one thing at a time, one day at a time, trusting fully in His goodness, and giving Him glory in whatever I do. I have failed and will fail miserably at this, but there is an abundance of grace for that, which leads to the next lesson.
3. Grace. Oh how the Lord taught me grace on this trip. "Grace" is a buzzword among Christians. It's thrown around a lot without much thought towards what it really means.
Well, the Lord gave me a clear and hard look at what grace really is.
Grace is when you deserve something really terrible, deserve to be punished and hated, and instead you get something really awesome. You get love, acceptance, true forgiveness.
And you DO NOT deserve it.
Receiving grace is awesome and extremely humbling. Giving grace is incredibly difficult.
I fully experienced both of those things during my time in India.
4. I need Jesus. I'm about to try to explain part of the twisted wretchedness of my flesh, so hold tight.
I will often claim that I need Jesus when talking to another person about the gospel and my sin, but I don't always really believe it in my heart. I actually tend to say it with pride, with an air of "hey, look how holy I am, that I'm able to admit my sin and need for Jesus."
So. Utterly. Disgusting.
I got to a point about halfway through my time in India where I came to a screeching, crashing halt. I had a horrible day and my strength and energy and motivation were totally gone. I was deep in my own sin and muck with zilch ability to pull myself out of it, much less to clean myself up.
I like to be independent and I like to think that I can successfully do everything on my own without any help. It is God's goodness that He lays my face in the ground so that I will crumble before Him, helpless, needing Him.
I hate admitting I need help, both to myself and to others. But it's the truth. I do need help, and a lot of it. I can't walk with Christ on my own, not in India, not in America, not on good days and not on bad ones. I desperately need Jesus. I pray that God keeps me humble and able to remember that.
Paul's words summarize my closing thoughts well:
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14
